Friday, July 8, 2011

A Day in the Life

If anyone ever wonders what it is like to be me, it's kind of like this:
One minute you are just chilling out, mellow, tweedledeedledoo,
and the next you are all,
OMFG WHERE IS MY NEIL DIAMOND CD??!! and rifling a crapstorm through 200+ discs,
and then taking a quick detour to the bathroom,
coming back and finding the CD,
and immediately losing interest.

Monday, May 30, 2011

i am who

So, my entire adult life I have been under the delusion that I was 5'3", because at some point that's what I was told (doctor's visit?). But today I was trying to find out if my teen had reached my height with a measuring tape and it seems- dun dun duuun- I am actually 5'2". I feel lost. Seriously, wth. :( My ID card is wrong, my BMI is wrong, my husband just gained an inch on me- I don't even KNOW WHO I AM ANYMORE. I told my mother and she says she has always known this, she was all, You always think you are taller than me but you aren't, blah blah blah...

I think I need therapy. Or lifts.

Monday, April 18, 2011

Meet Salty


This is my new BFF. I found him chillin in a bowl of crackers and didn't have the heart to bite down on one who is obviously so kindred a spirit. As you can see from his bald head, he has graduated from the porch and is now a bona fide space monkey, ready for project mayhem. He doesn't have anything to say right now, which is a shame, because he sounds exactly like Crispin Glover.


I know this because Tyler knows this.






Tuesday, March 29, 2011

With a gun barrel between your teeth, you speak only in vowels.

I am in a wretched mood today. I was thinking it could be pms, but I can't even remember if it is time for that. Regardless, I hope no one gets their head bitten off. :/

freaky charlton heston sequels

I had some weird dream last night that seemed to pick up where Planet of the Apes left off. If this is a result of sleeping with a HEPA filter running all night, I may have to rethink my anti-allergy strategy. Speaking of allergies, I gave a massive Flip You to my peanut allergy yesterday by eating a bowl of Ben & Jerry's Clusterfluff.

Uh oh. What if eating peanuts makes me have freaky planet of the apes dreams? NOOooOOoo!

Sunday, March 27, 2011

Jesus Messiah
Name above all names
Blessed Redeemer
Emmanuel
The Rescue for sinners
the Ransom from heaven
Jesus Messiah
Lord of all

-tomlin/carson/cash/reeves

Friday, March 25, 2011

ignorance is bliss pt.2

So I had some allergy testing done, which is now as easy as a blood test, and I feel like my life has been forever altered. A mild peanut allergy? What the hell? I have happily eaten peanuts, peanut butter, and products which may contain traces of peanuts or were processed the same equipment as peanuts my whole life, only now to find this out. And with an entire container of Turkey Hill chocolate peanut butter in the freezer? I'm telling you, peanut butter never sounded or smelled as good as it does now. I have NO idea what eating peanuts does to me. But now here I am, NOT EATING them, trying to BEHAVE so I don't have some symptoms I don't even know about. Damn. Why did I agree to this? Yeah, sure! Allergy testing! Why not! I'm insured! A blood test, that's it? GO FOR IT! ...

What have I learned? That I am allergic to two kinds of dust mites (I could have told you that), ragweed (bloody DUH!), some kind of mild maple tree allergy (so I won't move to Vermont, so what?) and THIS. No PEANUTS. Great, I'm going to be one of those people? Ugh. Add to this the fact that my doctor tells me not to lose any more weight, that maybe even gaining a few pounds would be a good thing, and I cannot believe I paid for this visit. FYI, a BMI of 19 is NOT underweight, thank you very much.

Where was I. Oh yeah. PB. All those bookmarked PB recipes at foodgawker...
OK, so I never made any of them anyway. But that's only because PB is costly to bake with. Right now the only chocolate in this house if a bag of Valentine M&Ms, which apparently may contain traces of DEATH NUGGETS, or something. Ok, not death, but some elusive frightening symptom that could make me unhappier than not eating peanuts makes me (bad grammar alert!). Maybe it's acne, or gas, or- dun dun duuuun- diarrhea. I'm sure I will figure it out eventually, or maybe even tomorrow if H-bot takes me out for a Thai chopped salad at Panera. Oh yeah that's right, I am living on the edge baby. Flirting with all kinds of mayhem and disaster. Sure, I could ask for 'no peanut drizzle' at the same time I'm asking for 'no cilantro', but what fun would that be? IT WOULDN'T be ANY FUN, because what would be the point? No drizzle? Starbucks better have a vanilla cupcake ready for me, because I will need something to soothe the hurt of having our entire date ruined. If they don't have cupcakes tomorrow, I don't know what I am going to do besides go all kinds of Malcolm McDowell psycho. :/

me redux



Friday, March 11, 2011

inspire in me the desire in me to never go home

Sometimes I think I am homesick. Then I feel confused because home is wherever *you* are, and this is our home now and it belongs only to us. I think I might be homesick only for memories, and most of them are of you. Maybe I am just homesick for falling in love with you again. Does uncertainty feel better than security to me?

Nothing about the place I come from means security to me. I have no truly good memories of childhood or even the few adult years I spent there except the ones of you- when I was trying so badly to leave. So... very confusing. I guess what I am feeling at those times is not actually homesickness at all, I'm just not yet able to articulate what the feelings are. I think sometimes I want to go back and find you again and again and fall...

Saturday, March 5, 2011

Ignorance=Bliss?

Several weeks after the fact comes this moment of clarity: Sitting in the sub shop, radio droning, horribly annoying song playing, you say, "Ugh, the Spin Doctors." and he says, "Who?"; you realize that THIS is why he is a much more contented person than you will ever be.